When Nothing Makes Me Feel Better

The last few weeks have been a slow roller coaster.  My moods have traveled up and down, and longer in the downs.  This week I’ve settled, a blessed relief.

I could list the reasons, but it’s easier to simply list ‘life’.

I am exactly like my son when he was five years old.

It was a tough day at school (kindergarten is not always easy), and he came home angry.  He didn’t want to talk, and he bashed his way around the house until I became angry too.  Better we separate when we’re both angry.  I told him to go to his room. I stayed in the kitchen.

I listened as he stomped away, as his door slammed, as the noise and activity level in his bedroom peaked, then quieted.

After a few minutes, concern and curiosity led me down the hallway.  I knocked on his door, then opened it.

He looked at me, mourning written all over him.  “Mom, I’ve tried everything and nothing makes me feel better.”

The evidence of his effort lay all around him, on the floor and the bed.  Toys, Lego pieces, stuffed animals, his favourite blanket.  He had tried so hard.  My upset dissolved in an instant.

Love is what I gave my precious son that day, and received love back.  We sat on his bed and hugged, held hands, talked about nothing important.  We had all the time in the world.

I’ve tried and nothing makes me feel better–I know that place.

Luckily, I am now old enough I’ve learned what to do.

I don’t push the feelings away.  I don’t try to make myself better.  I’m upset for a reason and my feelings are broadcasting what and why.  I need to feel and listen, so I do.  I put on music, or let the house be silent , wrap myself in my favourite blanket, cocoon myself on the couch, become still.  An hour or a day, I feel and listen.  I treat myself gently, a precious being broken and hurting and needing love.

Love is what I give myself when I am hurting and needing.  Love and all the time in the world.  Love fills the cracks and mends the breaks.  Love tells me I am something precious, and makes me whole again.

My son doesn’t remember that day, but I do always.  He gave me the most perfect gift of feeling and understanding what keeps us whole.  Love.  Love.  Love.  Love.

________________

In this post:

I didn’t always know how to love myself.  I still forget sometimes, but each time the gap is smaller.  Dee Wallace’s Red Dot Exercise is one of the things that helped me learn what unconditional self-love feels like. 

My experience doing the Red Dot Exercise is here on my blog, postings from December 23 and 24, 2014:

Dee’s website is at https://iamdeewallace.com/

Sunny With Cloudy Breaks

rainbow.flowers 017How happy am I allowed to be?

This question has been coming up since the weekend.  I’m not getting anywhere thinking about it, so I am writing about it instead.

I had an awesome good Sunday.  Everything and everyone was sweet in some way.  Basically, I swam in joy all day, no matter what I was doing.  Play or household tasks (there were a few), it made no difference to my mood.  I sailed through the day, fair winds prevailing.

I woke Monday feeling the opposite.  Monday, my mood was resistance and struggle, no matter what I was doing.  Reading?  I love reading.  Monday, I could not find a book that satisfied me, and I have a lot of books.  Word puzzles?  I love those too.  Monday, I had no patience for them.  They made me feel angry instead.

Monday’s mood continued on and off, mostly on, through Tuesday and Wednesday.  Today I have had enough of this miserable weather.  I am writing it out of me and onto the page where I can see it.

Something happened after the sweet Sunday.  Something said I’d used up my quota of happiness, and I turned off the flow.

Yes, I did that to myself.  I am the one who chooses how I feel about everything in my life.  Here, now, I can either choose to find ways and help to lift my mood, or not.

How happy am I allowed to be?  How happy do I let myself be?

These are not the same question.  The first implies someone else puts the cap on my happiness.  The second says I own the happiness control in my life.

My heart is my happiness control.  I learned how to open my heart to love, and I know how this feels.  I also know how my closed heart feels.  Sunday, my heart was open to life.  Monday, I closed down and stayed closed.  I was missing my Dad, and it hurt too much so I closed my heart.

That simple.  I closed my heart, and then all felt like struggle.

Enough struggle.  I have an idea about my happiness level.  Yes, I miss my Dad fiercely, and I also love him fiercely.  So, I choose I can miss him and love him at the same time.  Let my heart be open to both feelings.  My heart is big.  It can handle it.  I know how much Dad loved me and still loves me though he’s not here in body.  I feel it every day, and I love him right back.

I choose.  I give myself permission to be happy as much and as often as I please.  I give myself permission to not be okay when I need to not be okay.  Be happy and be sad, and let my heart play fully with all in my life.  Not bittersweet.  Sadsweet, and more sweet than sad because the love is so huge.

I feel sunny again.  There are clouds too, but fair winds prevail and the clouds will pass.

_______________________

In this post:

I learned how to open my heart to love through Dee Wallace’s Red Dot exercise, and I wrote about it here   https://catfinkknowtrustchoosecreate.com/2014/12/23/   and here   https://catfinkknowtrustchoosecreate.com/2014/12/24/  ,  with Dee’s permission.

You rock, Dee!  Thanks, with love as always.  https://iamdeewallace.com/

There is something right with me Part 2

Laid To Rest 80,000 Obstructing Spirits (North)
Laid To Rest 80,000 Obstructing Spirits (North)

 

There is a scene in the movie ‘Shrek’ that I remember.  Shrek talks with Donkey about ogres having layers like onions.  I’d say that Shrek got it right about the layers, and it applies to people as well as ogres.

I repeatedly learn that my discoveries about myself, my beliefs, and so on, have layers.  I have discovered a new layer, so now I have a Part 2 to my post of two weeks ago ‘There is something right with me’.

Every morning I choose that I am perfectly healthy, and I choose that I love myself unconditionally.  I use Dee Wallace’s Red Dot Exercise, and I pour all my love into my physical body.  I feel love flash and spark its way through me, become a mix of both love and pure brilliant joy.  I use this as my meditation, focus on feeling without words, without thought.  Just resting here, myself loving myself.  And then I get up, put my meditation cushion away, and go about my day.  I do this because, even though my body has healed from fibromyalgia, my mind is still healing.

It is while I am doing my going-about-my-day stuff that I discover a new layer to my old belief that there is always something wrong with my body.

I am loving my body, but I am not trusting my body.

Huh?

I know that, for me, love automatically includes trust.  So what is this division I have created?  I can love my body, but I cannot trust it.  What is it that I am not trusting about my body?

I trust that my body is healthy now.  But.  I don’t trust my body to stay healthy.  I don’t trust that my body will not get sick again.  I don’t mean sick like getting a cold.  I mean a long sick, like getting fibromyalgia again, or getting cancer.

I know where this is coming from.  Whenever I watch TV, I see ads for all kinds of prescription drugs.  I always feel like they are whispering fear to me—you might get sick again.  I am so new to not taking prescriptions at all (yay me!), that I am still adjusting to knowing I am well, my body is well, I AM HEALTHY.  I feel good, but I have to get used to this new pattern of thinking and knowing and believing.  It has to become just as much a part of me as the I-am-sick pattern was.

I am working on it, becoming my new pattern of I-am-healthy.  I am playing with it, creating it.  I have moved the feeling of love into my body.  Now I need to move the feeling of trust in as well.

What do I trust about my body right now?

I remember.

I love to walk.  I know, without thinking, that my feet and legs hold strength and carry me wherever I need and want to walk or run or skip or climb.  This knowing is trust.

This is a beginning.  I will start here.  Feel love in my body for my strong legs.  Feel the steady knowing touch of my feet on the earth as I walk.  Feel the rhythm and roll of my legs and hips, one step becoming the next, the next, the next without division or stutter, moving me across space and through time.  Movement, balance.  Breath in my body and the sound of my heart.  I sing the body electric.  Surely this is what the writer and poet Walt Whitman knew when he wrote those words.  This is what trust in my body feels like.

This is the feeling I am looking for.

Love and trust in my walking body, in breath and beat, pleasure in movement, fills all of me without effort.  This feeling memory—I choose this.  Well, whole, perfectly healthy.  I choose this.  I know this.  I trust this.

My beautiful body, walk with me.

*************************

See the December 24th post for ‘The Red Dot Exercise’.

 

The Red Dot Exercise

 

Everything I Know About The Human Heart Part 1
Everything I Know About The Human Heart Part 1

 

In ‘Choose love’, yesterday’s post, I tell the story of my experience using Dee Wallace’s Red Dot Exercise.  Here is the exercise again, from the link in Dee’s weekly Monday e-blast.  You can sign up for Dee’s e-blast at iamdeewallace.com.

‘First of all, you must drop into your heart center, open your heart, and find that experience of love.  Allow it to expand.  Feel the joy and unconditional love of that moment.  Now for 30 seconds, 5 times a day, for two weeks, practice sending that love to the red dot.  Become one with it.   Practice detachment from sending and being this experience of love.  For the next two weeks, do the same, knowing that the red dot is simply self-love.  EXPECT NOTHING.  It is just the practice of sending and BEING the love.  For the final two weeks, you can choose that the dot represents something: money/health, etc.  SEE IF YOU CAN STILL DO THE EXERCISE WITH NO ATTACHMENT.  You are simply BEING Love around whatever subject you choose.  You are realizing that the state of love IS that which you have chosen.  It is suggested that this become a way of life.  This is not a temporary exercise.  Feel this shift in your heart and your gut.  YOU ARE the energy that is the Love.’

Notes on what I have learned:

Make yourself a red dot on a piece of paper like I did.  My dot is ½ inch across, large enough that I can see it easily.  I used a bright red so that the colour attracted my attention.

Yes, I still have my red dot taped to my studio wall above my desk where I am writing now.  Seeing it reminds me to just be love.  It reminds me that I choose love as my way of being in this world, no matter what I am experiencing in the moment.

When I choose from a place of love, my choice creates good for myself and all around me.  I have experienced this so often that I now just know it and trust it, even if I don’t see evidence of it right away.  It has taken time for me to reach this trust.  It slips away from me occasionally when I am not paying attention.  That is why my red dot is still on my wall.

Continue reading “The Red Dot Exercise”

Choose love

Everything I Know About The Human Heart Part 2
Everything I Know About The Human Heart Part 2

 

Choose love.  It should be something that comes naturally.  For me, not always,  although I am getting better at this.  Somewhere in my growing up, I unlearned choosing love.  The words that follow tell how I am moving back to choosing through love and for love.  Let me tell you a story……

 Red Dots

I have been working online and by phone with Dee Wallace and Jarrad Hewett for the last five months.  I am part of a large group, more than one hundred of us, international.  We are doing ‘Let the Shift Hit the Fan II’, a ten month program of inner work, energy and intuition.  We are learning to hear our own voices above the clamour of those around us.  Learning to trust what we feel and know for ourselves.  Learning to make choices and act on those choices.  Learning to create our lives consciously.  We are returning, each of us, to our true selves.  This is what has sparked my constant mantra of ‘know, trust, choose, create’.

Dee’s channel is telling us we need to learn to develop our focus on feeling love.  They give us what we call ‘the Red Dot Exercise’.  This exercise seems a bit silly at first, has us laughing about it, that we are loving a red dot on a piece of paper.  Then we realize it is working.

This is the Red Dot Exercise we have been given:

‘Make a red dot on a piece of paper.

Drop into your heart center, open your heart, and find a strong experience of love.  Feel the joy and unconditional love of that moment.  Allow that feeling to expand.

Now for thirty seconds, five times a day, for two weeks, practice sending that love to your red dot.  Become one with it.  Practice detachment from sending and being this experience of love.  Just feel love for your red dot.  Leave the thinking and judging aside.  Just feel.

For the next two weeks, do the same, knowing that the red dot is simply self-love.  EXPECT NOTHING.  It is just the practice of sending and BEING the love.

For the final two weeks, you can choose that the dot represents something: money/health, etc., and send love.  All feeling, no thinking.  SEE IF YOU CAN STILL DO THE EXERCISE WITH NO ATTACHMENT.  You are simply BEING Love around whatever subject you choose.  You are realizing that the state of love IS that which you have chosen.

It is suggested that this become a way of life.  This is not a temporary exercise.

Feel this shift in your heart and your gut.  YOU ARE the energy that is the Love.’

I am midpoint in this Shift work and I am seeing and feeling the changes I am creating for myself.  Dee, Jarrad, and their channels have my trust.

Continue reading “Choose love”