Falling Down, Getting Up, Part 2

tigger.totoro.crop
Totoro and Tigger–Go Play!

So, what happened after my tantrum last Thursday?

The tantrum continued. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Monday. Then, Monday afternoon, for no apparent reason, it faded away.

I can feel echoes of it today. A ghost in the background. My desire to write and create is stronger. I sit down at my studio table and begin. The ghost vanishes. Gone.

As I write these words, I have not figured out what pushed me into this cranky, unwilling mood last week, or why it hung on through Monday. My mind longs to have this figured out so it can prevent it from happening again. My mind has judged this full-on-tantrum mode as something bad. Especially since I felt really uncomfortable when I was in the middle of it.

My mind is doing its job, trying to understand so it can protect me from what hurts.

Except, I need to feel everything, even when it feels bad. My heart knows that feelings are information. They might be painful, but they are not bad. The feelings tell me something if I pay attention, open my heart, and listen.

I need to do this right now. Ask about last week, listen with my heart. What do I hear?

I am trying to push the river.

That might sound odd, but I know exactly what it means.

I’ve been stepping outside of my natural flow. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, and not playing enough.

Ah. I get it.

I played on Saturday. I read. Did crossword puzzles. Coloured with all fifty of my Crayola felt pens. Watched a 1940’s pirate movie with my husband.

I played on Sunday too. In between three laundry loads and making dinner, I watched the movie Mary Poppins. How many times have I seen this movie? A dozen, at least. It makes me laugh. I love the songs. I love the idea that I can jump into a drawing and wander around the landscape, meet whoever lives there. I love the idea that if I laugh hard enough, I’ll float up to the ceiling, turn somersaults in the air if I wish.

Play. Imagination. Laughter.

Magic, all.

I pushed myself, pushed the river so hard, that I left play and imagination and laughter behind. Left my magic behind.

Bad idea.

Which resulted in the five day tantrum. Resistant. Unwilling. Grouchy.

I played on Saturday and Sunday, despite the tantrum.  Good idea.  Which resulted in the tantrum fading away on Monday.

Thank you, my heart, for feeling and talking with me. Thank you, tantrum, for yelling at me to stop and notice what is happening. Thank you, my mind, for trying to understand and protect me from what felt painful.

I have my magic back. It never really left me. It just felt like it, because I had forgotten to play.

_______________________

In this post:

Mary Poppins, movie, Walt Disney Productions, 1964, based on the book of the same name by P. L. Travers   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Poppins_(film)

Celebrate

Nana and Papa's house, January 1966
Nana and Papa’s house, January 1966

December. It’s snowing on my blog pages. Love it. Bless the person who came up with snow for the blogs.

We had snow here for real, a week ago, and more forecasted for today. No sight of it yet. I’m waiting, impatiently. Snow boots by the door. Coat and snow pants, hat, mittens from my mom, scarf, all at the ready.

I love the snow and December. They fill me up with joy and play. The child in me has free rein to laugh, enjoy, be happy. No purpose, no goal. Be happy and let it grow as big as it wants to be. I swear that brand new snowflakes on my tongue are good for my health. Also snowballs and snow angels.

My faithful iPod is permanently on its Christmas playlist. Four hundred and seventy-seven songs, if you want to know. Twenty-six hours, nine minutes, and twelve seconds. Every year I add new music. This year it is the Eric Byrd Trio’s version of the Charlie Brown Christmas music, and George Winston’s album December. His ‘Minstrels’ song haunts me in its beauty.

I scan the television listings for my favourite Christmas shows. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 1966 original cartoon) was on last night. Yay!  A Christmas Carol, the 1951 movie with Alastair Sim. A Christmas Story. A Muppet Family Christmas, the Muppets in their fuzzy joy. My husband groans when I switch the channel, then watches the show anyways.

Gifts I am creating and giving. Cookies and treats to be baked. Love is such a secret ingredient (shhh, don’t tell) it’s not even listed on the recipe. All for sharing.

December. This is the month my heart sings. I know we are days away yet. I say the words anyways. Happy Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Diwali (last month, in all its light and colour). Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Solstice.  Happy Happy All.

I make these my December gifts. I choose Happiness. Love. Kindness. Play. Laughter. Sharing. Forgiveness. Joy.

I choose Celebrate.

________________________

In this post:

The Eric Byrd Trio, music, A Charlie Brown Christmas, http://ericbyrd.com/videos/charlie-brown-christmas

George Winston, music, December, http://www.georgewinston.com/recordings/december-11/

A Charlie Brown Christmas, animation, 1965, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Charlie_Brown_Christmas

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, animation, 1964, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolph_the_Red-Nosed_Reindeer_(TV_special)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas, animation, 1966, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss%27_How_the_Grinch_Stole_Christmas!_(TV_special)

A Christmas Carol (aka Scrooge), movie, 1951, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrooge_(1951_film)

A Christmas Story, 1983, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Christmas_Story

A Muppet Family Christmas, 1987, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Muppet_Family_Christmas

 

The Universal Font

I Build My Castles in the Sky
I Build My Castles in the Sky

I asked Source what we are writing today.  ‘The Universal Font’, they tell me.  ‘What?’ I say.  Then, oh, I get it.  Font.  Typeface.  The form and feel of the letters.  The shape of the writing on the page.

Seems like a very odd topic for my blog.  Where’s the connection to healing, I am wondering.

I go with this.  I have learned that Source is a master at connecting ideas in interesting, expanding ways.  Source does not think like me, even if I am a small physical version of Source energy.  Source thinks WIDE.  Says to me, ‘Love, joy, connection, play, fun, happiness, laughter.  The Universal Font.’

Remember, I am a Joy Tigger.  These amazing abundant energies, these beauties are here to play with.  Tap into, feel into, create from, write with.  I choose a font to create my life and my world.  I choose the form and feel and shape.  I write my world, and everything I choose becomes my ink.

So, easy choice.  Now that I know what it is, I choose the Universal Font to write my life.  I want my life full of love, joy, connection, play, fun, happiness, laughter.  Abundantly full.

How do I do this?

I pay attention to my thinking.  I choose my thoughts to match the Universal Font.  When they don’t, I notice by how I am feeling, and I change them back.  It means paying a lot of attention, because my busy, bouncy Tigger brain sends out thoughts like a river in spring flood.

I know that my thoughts write what I focus my attention on.  My focused attention writes what I see and believe to be true.  All of this writes my reactions, emotions, and experience.  And then I think about the experience I just had—more thoughts—and start the process again.

I would much rather focus on what feels good than what feels bad.  Another easy choice.  What is trickier, is learning to consistently turn myself towards what feels good.  Around me is a non-tigger world that likes to focus on what feels bad, and tries to teach me to think from that.  Think about and express what I don’t want, rather than what I do want.

It’s a pattern I was trained into.  I am changing it.  I hear myself think, ‘I don’t like cloudy days’.  That’s the old pattern, and I notice because the feeling I have is sad and disappointed.   I change my words, rewrite them in the Universal Font and think, ‘I love sunny days.’  And now the feeling I have is warm, happy, excited.  I do this, and I rewrite my life and my world.  I turn things around.  The day outside my window may still be cloudy, but I am not.

I’m a Joy Tigger.  You could also call me Pollyanna.  I am, and I am happy to be.  Pollyanna, in the 1960 movie, sees the good in people and the possibilities in life.  What she sees, she acts on.  People and things change, and turn to the good.  I think she knew about the Universal Font and how to rewrite life.

I choose this.  I choose I write my life and my world with the Universal Font.  Love, joy, connection, play, fun, happiness, laughter.  An abundance.  I choose I am a bouncy Joy Tigger with a pen, a Pollyanna with a laptop, and I am turning my world.  Join me.  Let’s play.

___________________

Mentioned in this post:

Tigger from the books Winnie-the-Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne (1882 – 1956)

Pollyanna from the movie Pollyanna, 1960, Walt Disney Productions

Play, says Raven

7 Crows, a Secret Never To Be Told
7 Crows, a Secret Never To Be Told

 

Last Thursday night, I dream of Raven.

He arrives out of a red gash in the earth.  A hillside, the earth, cut open with an ax, a large square piece flying away like chips of wood from a chopped tree.

Out he flies.  He doesn’t look like Raven.  He looks like a red parrot.  In the dream I try to give him to my husband.  But no, Raven claims me instead, flips back his parrot disguise like a cape and looks me level in the eyes.

Tells me, Play.

Then he hops onto my shoulder.  He should feel heavy, sitting there, grinning and clacking and gurgling at me.  My body is prepared to feel weight tipping my balance sideways.

No.  No weight.  Play has no weight.  Play is feather and cloud and dance.  Play is all Raven.

I wake.

I am not playing enough.  I have been much too serious the last few weeks, and have forgotten play.  I have slipped back into my old pattern of duty and work.  A grim perfection of doing what needs doing before I allow myself time to do what I love–write and draw and imagine and read.

No wonder I have been waking each morning grouchy and out of sorts with the world and my life.  I choose and move myself out of this mood each morning.  I remind myself that happiness is a choice, and that I choose happiness, love, and joy in my life.

I have been forgetting to add that I also choose play, fun, and laughter.  I do get to these sometime during each of my days, but not enough.  Not soon enough and not for long enough.

Continue reading “Play, says Raven”