So, what happened after my tantrum last Thursday?
The tantrum continued. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Monday. Then, Monday afternoon, for no apparent reason, it faded away.
I can feel echoes of it today. A ghost in the background. My desire to write and create is stronger. I sit down at my studio table and begin. The ghost vanishes. Gone.
As I write these words, I have not figured out what pushed me into this cranky, unwilling mood last week, or why it hung on through Monday. My mind longs to have this figured out so it can prevent it from happening again. My mind has judged this full-on-tantrum mode as something bad. Especially since I felt really uncomfortable when I was in the middle of it.
My mind is doing its job, trying to understand so it can protect me from what hurts.
Except, I need to feel everything, even when it feels bad. My heart knows that feelings are information. They might be painful, but they are not bad. The feelings tell me something if I pay attention, open my heart, and listen.
I need to do this right now. Ask about last week, listen with my heart. What do I hear?
I am trying to push the river.
That might sound odd, but I know exactly what it means.
I’ve been stepping outside of my natural flow. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, and not playing enough.
Ah. I get it.
I played on Saturday. I read. Did crossword puzzles. Coloured with all fifty of my Crayola felt pens. Watched a 1940’s pirate movie with my husband.
I played on Sunday too. In between three laundry loads and making dinner, I watched the movie Mary Poppins. How many times have I seen this movie? A dozen, at least. It makes me laugh. I love the songs. I love the idea that I can jump into a drawing and wander around the landscape, meet whoever lives there. I love the idea that if I laugh hard enough, I’ll float up to the ceiling, turn somersaults in the air if I wish.
Play. Imagination. Laughter.
I pushed myself, pushed the river so hard, that I left play and imagination and laughter behind. Left my magic behind.
Which resulted in the five day tantrum. Resistant. Unwilling. Grouchy.
I played on Saturday and Sunday, despite the tantrum. Good idea. Which resulted in the tantrum fading away on Monday.
Thank you, my heart, for feeling and talking with me. Thank you, tantrum, for yelling at me to stop and notice what is happening. Thank you, my mind, for trying to understand and protect me from what felt painful.
I have my magic back. It never really left me. It just felt like it, because I had forgotten to play.
In this post:
Mary Poppins, movie, Walt Disney Productions, 1964, based on the book of the same name by P. L. Travers https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Poppins_(film)