Second Draft, First Draft

Blackbird Dance (desire)'detail
Blackbird Dance (desire) – detail

I am thinking about the second draft of my book.  The one I put aside last September.

I am coming back to it.  I’ve made a pact with my friend who is also writing.  She’s close to the end of her first draft.  We both need someone to write with, partner, give us each that extra push to reach the finishing line by the end of the summer.  Tell us in a sure voice, yes, you are doing it, almost there.

Chocolate and iced mochas, cafes and beaches will help as well.  Bribery works.

I wonder, as I look at my half-done second draft, why I wrote the first draft.  What sent me to the page?  Who was I writing for when I sat all those days at my studio work table, moving words and pen across the paper?

I can give the usual answers.  I was writing for me.  Writing to understand what I experienced.  Writing to make sense of the path I walked.

These are all true.  Not specific enough, for me, right now.

What was it that sent me to the page with enough words to fill a whole book?

Here I have to pause.  Feel back to where I was when I began the writing.  Not think.  Feel.

Like all I create, it was the push of an idea.  You might say ideas are thoughts, and thoughts are not physical.  This may be true for you.  Not for me.

My ideas and thoughts carry weight.  I feel them in my body.  No two feel exactly the same.  This idea to put words to my experience was heavy and insistent.  It sat in my belly, all of my belly.  It was very sure of itself and its importance.  It would not leave.  The only choice was to birth it.  Sit at my work table and write.  Day and day and day.  Let the idea flow as words from belly through heart to hand to ink and paper.

The insistence and sureness and sheer weight of idea into words is what carried me through to the end of the first draft.  This, and joy.  Joy runs as a thread through all my creating.

These things sent me to the page.

I tell you what I know for sure.  Without that weight in my body where the idea sat, the writing would not have happened.  That weight was the connection between the idea and me.  That weight told me the idea was real, here and whole already, even though I had yet to write a word.

Now that the first draft is done, and the second draft half-done, paused and returned to, is the idea and its weight still here in my body?

It is.  I feel it now, sure and insistent and whole, waiting for me.  I am not going anywhere, it tells me, until we are done.

This feeling is a gift of knowing.  It has carried me, and continues to carry me, as I write.  This knowing is all I need to know.  This book will be.

Insistent.  Sure.  Whole.  And the thread of joy.

Creating in the key of love

 

Cat Fink--'Blackbird Dance (what is and what could be)'
Blackbird Dance (what is and what could be)

Know.  Trust.  Choose.  Create.  This is what I do every day to consciously create my life.  Small things, like a conveniently placed parking spot or a table in my favourite cafe.  Big things, like an artist residency.

Some of my creations take time, like the artist residency.  I keep watch for the things that support it, and act on them.  I am building my creation, and the path to it.  Each action fitted to the next.

I have a partner in this.  I call my partner Source, or God, or the Great Creator, or the One Energy, or the Universe.  Source loves creating.  Source is creation energy, whole and complete.

What I am doing takes love, lots of it.  It takes attention, wide and inviting, open and allowing.  The more I do this, the more I love, the better I get at creating my life, and the better my life gets.

Here is what Dee Wallace says in her weekly e-blast, January 26, 2015, about what gets in the way of creating my life:

‘Whenever you feel out of sorts or imbalanced, ask yourself these four guiding questions:

-Am I in love with myself in this moment?

-Am I loving others in this moment?

-Am I here, in the present, or worrying about the future or the past?

-Am I remembering I am my own creator? Or have I given my creation away to something or someone else in this moment?’

Dee is talking about paying attention and making conscious choices.  I choose I love myself and others, unconditionally.  I choose I am here always in this present moment.  I choose I create my life.  I don’t just choose these things.  I feel them, all the way through me.

Creation, for me, is like music.  When the singers and the musical instruments are in tune and in time with each other, the music flows through me, clear, sweet, warm to my senses, and the song is created.

When one or more of the singers and instruments sound the wrong note, are off-key or off-timing, the music stutters and sours and jars me.  The song and the flow of the song are marred or stopped.  The song is created differently than it was intended, or stops being created altogether.

Creating my life moves exactly like creating music.  Harmony, timing, flow.  It is intention, attention, and the energy of love I am playing with.  It is Source as my partner, each of us in harmony with the other through love.

Know.  Trust.  Choose.  Create.  This is what I do.

Know.  Feel the earth under my feet and feel the breath in my body.  Let my thoughts slow until the feeling in my body takes the place of the words in my head.  Here.  This quiet place.  Feel the love I have for myself, open, full, unconditional.  Let it fill all the space that I am.  I am only and all Love.

Trust.  Let the love for myself spill beyond me, out into the world, the Universe around me.  Wide.  Accepting and allowing all.  Love.  Unconditional.

Choose.  Let my awareness be here now, chosen and grounded in this love and this moment, focused on the intention of my creation.  Feel my creation with all of my senses here in front of me, created out of love.

Create.  Feel surely and completely I am this unconditional love, I am the creator of my life and all in it.  My love, my attention and intention, my clear choosing, and my loving knowing, here and now.  This energy.  This music.  This song.  Love creates me.  I create love.  I choose this.

I choose love.

Know.  Trust.  Choose.  Create.  I choose this song.

______________________

Mentioned in this post:

Dee Wallace.  https://iamdeewallace.com/.  Dee’s new book Getting Stuff: Everything is Possible is about creating through love.  A clear, detailed, easy read.  Get it, read it, and go create your life!

Thank you, big sister Dee, for inspiring this blog post.

Knowing

laid to rest east detailI am six years old.  I know I am a writer and an artist.  I know I am a creator.  I translate the world into image and word.  It makes me happy, gives me joy.  I am in love with writing, drawing, the world, me.

I don’t choose it.  I just do it.  I look at the beauty of the world.  I feel it.  I write it.  I draw it.  Whatever comes to me goes onto the paper.

This is play.  Easy, fun, exciting.  New all the time.

I know who I am, my true heart.

Fifty years later.  Here.  Now.  Who am I?

I am Cat, recreating herself in her true image.

Shedding old patterns.  Shedding all the things other people told me I was and was not.  Shaking off what no longer helps me on my path.  Refusing to accept what I know is not true for me.cathy.img447 Dec 66

I am moving back in, this place, this heart, true to myself.  True to the six year old who knew without doubt.

Draw.  Write.  Play.  Love.

I am Here

I held the earth and touched the sky (Mike)
I held the earth and touched the sky (Mike)

My heart is a map.  Where I have been.  Where I am now.  Where I am going.

It’s not a paper map, identical each time I unfold it to find my way.  It is simple to know where I am on a paper map.  The roads and pattern are always the same.  I see my place clearly, and mark it with an X.  I am Here.

My heart is the map of my life.  Like all maps, I must know where I am right now in order to journey to where I want to be.  To find my way on this map, I open my heart, and feel.  Where am I now?  Is it love, excitement, anger, sadness, joy, wonder, jealousy?  So many emotional places, I cannot name them all.  Ah, here I am.  Mark it with my X.  Homesick.

Is this where I want to be, in this place of homesick?  No, not really.  It doesn’t feel good, and I prefer ‘feel good’.  Don’t we all.

I have learned that clearly feeling where I am gives me information.  This place on the map of my heart, homesick, tells me I am longing for something, a something not fulfilled by where I am in my life at this moment.

This is what I do to find my way from homesick.

Continue reading “I am Here”