Given grace

Crowgirl Words
Crowgirl Words

I have a new word in my heart’s vocabulary.  Grace.

New to me, yet this is an old word.  I’ve heard people talk about the ‘grace of God’.  There, but for the grace of God, go I.  The song Amazing Grace tells of being taught by grace, and saved by grace.

In this world, I see grace being beauty, being tenderness and mercy, being forgiveness and reprieve and absolution.  Grace as a gift, given unexpectedly and lovingly, that relieves, rescues, saves.

I think grace is connection, a gift in the same way love is a gift.  Always here with me.  Always available and speaking to me.  Always holding me in its embrace.  I need only open my heart, and become grounded and present.

Grace is another word for love, another word for Source, for God.

I see the grace given in my life.  Love.  Connection.  Forgiveness.  Beauty.  Gratitude.

Grace is what writes with me, these words on this page.  Whispers in my ear, write this, then this, and this.  Grace opens my heart to my life, all of it.  Opens my senses to what is around me in this moment.  Says to me, use everything.  All is inspiration, when I am open to grace and vulnerable to life.

Open.

Letting myself become vulnerable.

The dictionary defines vulnerable as being available to injury.  In other words, I am being advised to stay closed off.  Closed is safe.  Vulnerable is being in danger.

Surely vulnerable can simply mean open.

When I am vulnerable to all in my life, I learn and understand.  I feel and do what could be difficult and painful, but I hold it and myself in love.  And then grace holds me, and I find my way through.  Nothing to force or fight, nothing to push against in anger or fear, nothing to close away from.

I think the dictionary writers got it wrong.  Vulnerable is not being available to injury.  Vulnerable is being available to grace and love. It is standing deep in my life, open-hearted and accepting all I experience.

Available to my life.  Using everything.  An open heart.  This is grace.  Given, and accepted.

___________________

Mentioned in this post:

Amazing Grace, song by John Newton (1725 – 1807)

Everything I know about the human heart

love joy friendship and other complications
love joy friendship and other complications

 

I am cheating a bit in today’s blog post.  I am posting an old piece of writing.  This writing appeared in me at a silent writing and meditation workshop with Natalie Goldberg in 2001.  The writing did more than just appear.  It inspired a series of drawings that became a show.  And it told me what my work is for the rest of my life.  Love.  Draw.  Write.

There was a nurse who, through a friend, asked if she could have a copy of this writing.  I delayed answering, and delayed, and delayed, and never did reply.  I regret this now.  I have forgotten her name.

Whoever you are, wherever you are now, I am sending this out for you.  I hope you see it, print it off, share it if you wish.  I am sorry I never replied and shared this with you.  My heart was not big enough then.  It is now.

Continue reading “Everything I know about the human heart”

Make it better

 

Old Coyote Trick (sticks and stones)
Old Coyote Trick (sticks and stones)

 

I say these words every morning.

I choose I release yesterday.  I let go.  I let be.  I give up.  I give away.  I forgive.  I release all.

Forgive.  Release.

I hate being wrong.  I have been this way a long time, and I can tell that there are layers to this hate-being-wrong thing.  The layer I am seeing right now is about forgiveness and letting go.  This is about pride that damages me and holds me stuck in place, sad, angry, in emotional pain that I can’t see clear to letting go, even when I know I have to.

It is like the words I wrote in my sketch book:

I see your fence, don’t like it,

build my own, make us small.

Judgements, expectations,

mine, yours.

Not how we are meant to be.

Take down my fence (burn it).

Breathe us big,

pat your fence (like a friendly dog)

and walk around.

I know this is not how I am meant to be, stuck in my pride.  I know I need to burn that fence and reach towards the person who I have hurt or who has hurt me.

Release.  Forgive.

I believe we are each other’s angels.  That I have the power to make it better for someone every day.  I have to choose to do this, and sometimes I don’t.  I don’t say what could be said or don’t do what could be done.  All it may be is a door held open or a smile offered.  The moment where I could offer something that makes it better for someone else is lost so quickly.  I may not get another chance that day.

If I am lucky or blessed, another opportunity does arise, and I choose this time to speak or act.  The thing is, when I choose to be someone else’s angel, the words and action also make it better for me.  I know this, but still, I don’t make the choice.

Forgive.  Release.

Not making a choice is still choosing.  I have chosen not to act or speak.  I have chosen not to let the light in just that little bit.  Apparently, I would rather stay in the dark, hurting.

What is stopping me from choosing?

Continue reading “Make it better”