How happy am I allowed to be?
This question has been coming up since the weekend. I’m not getting anywhere thinking about it, so I am writing about it instead.
I had an awesome good Sunday. Everything and everyone was sweet in some way. Basically, I swam in joy all day, no matter what I was doing. Play or household tasks (there were a few), it made no difference to my mood. I sailed through the day, fair winds prevailing.
I woke Monday feeling the opposite. Monday, my mood was resistance and struggle, no matter what I was doing. Reading? I love reading. Monday, I could not find a book that satisfied me, and I have a lot of books. Word puzzles? I love those too. Monday, I had no patience for them. They made me feel angry instead.
Monday’s mood continued on and off, mostly on, through Tuesday and Wednesday. Today I have had enough of this miserable weather. I am writing it out of me and onto the page where I can see it.
Something happened after the sweet Sunday. Something said I’d used up my quota of happiness, and I turned off the flow.
Yes, I did that to myself. I am the one who chooses how I feel about everything in my life. Here, now, I can either choose to find ways and help to lift my mood, or not.
How happy am I allowed to be? How happy do I let myself be?
These are not the same question. The first implies someone else puts the cap on my happiness. The second says I own the happiness control in my life.
My heart is my happiness control. I learned how to open my heart to love, and I know how this feels. I also know how my closed heart feels. Sunday, my heart was open to life. Monday, I closed down and stayed closed. I was missing my Dad, and it hurt too much so I closed my heart.
That simple. I closed my heart, and then all felt like struggle.
Enough struggle. I have an idea about my happiness level. Yes, I miss my Dad fiercely, and I also love him fiercely. So, I choose I can miss him and love him at the same time. Let my heart be open to both feelings. My heart is big. It can handle it. I know how much Dad loved me and still loves me though he’s not here in body. I feel it every day, and I love him right back.
I choose. I give myself permission to be happy as much and as often as I please. I give myself permission to not be okay when I need to not be okay. Be happy and be sad, and let my heart play fully with all in my life. Not bittersweet. Sadsweet, and more sweet than sad because the love is so huge.
I feel sunny again. There are clouds too, but fair winds prevail and the clouds will pass.
In this post:
I learned how to open my heart to love through Dee Wallace’s Red Dot exercise, and I wrote about it here https://catfinkknowtrustchoosecreate.com/2014/12/23/ and here https://catfinkknowtrustchoosecreate.com/2014/12/24/ , with Dee’s permission.
You rock, Dee! Thanks, with love as always. https://iamdeewallace.com/