I moved to my southern studio in late March. It takes a couple weeks to find rhythm and routine when I shift from one studio and home to the other. I’m always a bit off balance during those two weeks, but I notice this time it is seven weeks plus and I am still not settled.
I know that I haven’t been writing my morning pages. When I count back, I see three days written out of the fifty-three days I have been here. “Not very good,” my mind comments on the obvious.
It’s a direct route for me, from an absence of morning pages to an absence of writing and drawing as my daily priority. Morning pages are the doorway. They remind me how vital creating is to my life, and how I am not paying attention to something that is breath for me.
Not only am I not paying attention to what I need, I am not allowing myself to choose that creating comes first in my day.
Do I not love myself enough to let myself do the thing I love?
This is a new studio and home. I am taking care of the new-home tasks, and not taking care of myself and my creative practice.
No one is pushing me to do the home tasks first. There is only me pushing me, and I need to quit pushing. Better yet, I need to write my morning pages because always, solutions and the right choice show up in those pages. Balance shows up.
Here I am, reaching for balance in my life again.
When I don’t write morning pages, I am no longer at home to myself. I am not living in the centre of me, my life, and my creativity. No surprise, then, that I am currently out of sorts and resenting the to-do list I wrote.
This is an old pattern, putting all else before my creative needs. I struggled with it in art school, and made it the theme of my graduating body of work. I’ve been through this so many times, I thought I had it solved. I should be more like a friend’s mother, who frequently served burned dinners because she was at the other end of the house, painting in her studio. She had her priorities right. I should hang one of her paintings (I have five) on my studio wall, just to remind me. Yes, put that on the to-do list.
This is all about choice and loving myself. The choice is always mine to give myself permission and do something I love. The choice is always mine to make creativity my first priority. I choose, again. Write my morning pages, find my centre, then write and draw myself home.
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Morning pages come from Julia Cameron and her book The Artist’s Way: 25th Anniversary Edition, Penguin Publishing Group, 2016. I purchased my first copy in 1994, the year before I entered art school. I have two more copies, 2002 editions, with my teaching notes scribbled all over the margins and end papers. That first one saved me in 1994. Thank you, Julia. http://juliacameronlive.com/