Life is not a test.
I realized a few days ago that I live my life as if it’s a test I have to pass. Something in me decided this a long time ago, probably in elementary school.
The test never ends. I never know if I have aced it or failed it. I don’t know who the tester is, or if there is one tester or many. I don’t know what the questions are and whether I’ve been asked one, and if I answered correctly or not.
This explains a lot. It explains why I am keyed up and have to consciously work at relaxing my body and mind. Why I often look at others and feel I can’t stand equal with them. Why I always feel I am being judged. Why I don’t play enough and feel vaguely guilty when I do. Why everything I do has to have a purpose. Why I am frequently not satisfied and pass by my successes, barely giving them and me any acknowledgment. Why I make something, love what I’ve created, then it’s bang—onto the next thing right away because I have no time to waste.
I can say, and mean it and know it, that I am happy most of the time in my life. This is true. My heart is open and present and connected and creating. I can feel it, most of the time, loving and joyful.
Yet there is this sneaky background tension running the other stuff I listed three paragraphs back. These are feelings I have been ignoring, that creep in between my love and joy and happiness.
Time to make a choice and let this go.
I choose there is no test. No Test. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
There is only my life and what I choose to create in it. And no test.
I am letting these words, and my choice, sink in. This feels better. This feels GOOD.
My shoulders drop two inches. I can breathe. I can enjoy what I am doing. I can play.
Yes. I can play. I can wander out of that stuffy Life Classroom I caged myself in, give the door a slam on the way out, and watch the whole place collapse in a heap. Better yet, invite Wile E. Coyote to blow it sky high with one of his Acme missiles. Right on target. Ka-boom! Wile E. takes a bow. The Road Runner and I applaud. Then we all go play. Dibs on the slide!
Yes. Life is not a test. Go play.
Note: This piece was originally posted two years ago. I am re-posting it today because these last two weeks I managed to trap myself in the Life Classroom again. Yes, feeling tested, feeling not good enough and not worthy, feeling anxious for no good reason. Most important of all, not allowing myself to play. Today I am choosing all over again. I choose I love all of myself. I choose life is not a test. I choose I am allowed to play and enjoy life whenever I please.
After this post is done, I am playing for the remainder of the day! Yahoooooo! Maybe you should go let yourself play for a while today too.