There’s something my Dad would say to me when I was very young and I had fallen.
“Upsy-daisy.” And then he’d pick me up. Set me on my small feet, brush off my knees, make sure I was okay.
Dad, I’m not okay right now. I need to hear you say to me, “Upsy-daisy.” And pick me up and set me on my feet again.
My Dad died exactly two weeks ago.
I miss the sound of his voice the most.
I miss talking with him. I miss sitting together, saying nothing at all, watching the cedars move in the summer wind and the clouds chase each other across the sky. I miss finding the perfect, smooth, grey stone, and passing it to him as we walk.
There are no words for these feelings, though I make the attempt. Trying to capture and still the king tide as it pulls and pushes.
I hear my Dad saying impossible has never stopped me yet. So true.
There is a scene in ‘Aladdin’, one of my favourite Disney movies, that frequently rises in my mind.
Genie, in the shape of a large bee, is buzzing in Aladdin’s ear, “Be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e yourself!” Aladdin is preparing to definitely not be himself as he talks with Princess Jasmine. In his mind, being himself is not good enough.
I understand this.
Much of my life I have been sure I am not good enough. I no longer believe this. Thus, my New Year’s Un-Resolution.
That’s it. Two words.
This is not the usual New Year’s resolution. I am not looking to improve myself. What I am doing is uncovering my authentic self.
Be Myself. All day long I ask, is this my choice or someone else’s? Is this my belief, expectation, value, judgment, idea, or someone else’s? What is true for me?
I use words to ask myself the question. I look for the answer in how I feel.
My heart tells me yes, this is me, this is mine. This feels right and true to me. Or no, not mine. This feels wrong and false to me.
I learn from everything and everyone around me.
Sometimes in the learning, I take on things that are not true for me.
Sometimes, it takes time for me to understand that a belief, expectation, value, judgment, or idea does not fit me. That is okay. Trying things out and experiencing what happens may be what I need. Sometimes I must know what I don’t want in order to know what I do want.
So here I am, eleven days into 2018, paying attention to who I really am and discovering what feels true to me. So far, mostly what I have discovered is that I have un-learning and un-choosing to do.
The ‘un’ in front of ‘resolution’ was a clue. Yeah, missed that.
No worries. Being Myself is a work in progress. I have all year long.