Thursday’s Rant – Just Let Me Create!

What Gives Me Joy Nov 10 2016 (flowers)

It is blazing sun outside my studio window today.  The thermometer says -10 Celsius.  Even with the brilliant sunlight, I do not go out without doing up my coat all the way to my chin, and adding hat and mittens and snow boots.

Contrast and preparation.  Like the weather, that’s what is happening in my studio today.

Here is the contrast.  I want to be playing with my book draft, but there are other needs today.  What I call ‘administration’.  I am frustrated.  I want to be doing one thing, and need to be doing another.  Ugh.  Contrast.

And here is the preparation.  I have to do the administration in order to smooth the path for my writing and drawing to get out into the world to be shared.

The preparation part of my creative life is the time and effort spent on meetings, questions and answers, contracts, proposals, emails and phone calls.  I try to like this part but, honestly, today I don’t.  Even though these things are a necessary part of the path, I’d rather be writing or drawing.  Today the administration feels like it is in my way and it’s pissing me off.

I have tried to readjust my attitude.  My adjustment dial appears to be momentarily stuck.

I know this would be easier if I wasn’t so growly today.

How do I solve this?

I write my morning pages, asking myself this question.  I don’t get an answer.  Rats.  Now I’m writing my blog post, asking again, hoping for a solution and a settling of my pissed-off-ness.  Nope, not yet.

I have Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown music on.  I am sitting in my biggest comfy chair, feet up and pillow at my back.  I have the house to myself.  There is a brilliant blue sky out there, white snow on the trees, patterns of sun and shade all across the blanketed ground.  It’s a Christmas card landscape outside my window right now.

There.  Finally.  I let myself be right here.  Notice the pleasures and beauty collected around me.  Look out instead of in.  Just sitting here, writing my post, is perfect if I let it be perfect.

I get to choose.  Contrast and frustration.  Or presence and open to the moment.  I know which choice feels better.  I know which choice blinds me, and which lets me see.

Attitude is everything, I hear people say.  Sometimes I forget I can choose my attitude.  Writing this post reminds me.

I choose.  Presence.  The sheer physical beauty of the day.  The play and pleasure of music in my ears.  The comfort of my body against the cushions of my chair.  The words falling from my pen to the page.

My choice lets me see.  Gives me space and breath.  Opens my heart.  Settles me.  The frustration drains away, until there is just me, pen, and paper.

Just me, and gratitude being able to share my creating with the world.  Just me, and appreciation for the galleries and groups and individuals who ask me to share with them, and then work with me to make it happen.

The administration tasks still sit in front of me.  They have not magically taken care of themselves.  Too bad.  But.  I know they will be a lot easier without my previous frustration attached to the doing.  They will be a lost easier done with my heart open.  They will be a lot easier done with appreciation and gratitude.


In this post:

‘Vince Guaraldi and the Lost Cues’, Volume 1 and 2, from the Charlie Brown television specials.  I love this music!  Partly, this is childhood memories.  Mostly,  this is great piano and ensemble jazz.  These collections came out in 2007 and 2008 by D & D.



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