A friend tells me I have a heart like velvet. Soft, warm, beautiful to touch. I like that.
The last three days, though, I have a heart of barbed wire. All thorn and cold steel string around an empty space. What happened?
Mostly, life happened, and I fell out of my way of being. I fell out of my heart. Crashed. Bits of me all over the place. I hate chaos (yes, hate is the right word) and suddenly here I am, all chaos.
I know I learn from everything I experience. Right now, I am learning to keep my balance. Life gives me a push sideways or backwards, trips me up, and like one of those toys with the roly poly bottom, I rock myself back upright.
That’s the theory, anyways.
My barbed wire heart is too heavy to let me tip back up again. Its weight is keeping me off balance. The barbs are sticking me to thoughts and feelings I do not want and do not like. Old patterns, old reactions.
Two weeks ago in ‘Sunshine’ I wrote about all that was crashing into people I love. Now I am answering for a second time the question I asked then. How do I stay sunshine when this is happening?
I know the answer is to keep my heart open, no matter what. I know the answer is choose from a place of love, act from love, no matter what.
Love is still inside my heart. The space in the centre that I think is empty is really all love, full to the brim. It’s just that I can’t feel it at the moment, so I think it is not there.
Two weeks ago I was feeling sad. Three days ago it shifted to anger, full on. Tired of the pain I can feel around me. Tired of ‘life’ that keeps happening to those I love. What happened to ‘life’ as in good things happening?
Well, they are still happening. I am just not keeping my attention on them. I am choosing instead to hold onto only the pain and the difficulty and the chaos. No surprise I have wrapped my heart in barbed wire anger. I am protecting it from what I am choosing to see and hear, protecting me from me. I am telling life, go away, I don’t like you right now.
Definitely not the answer.
Life stuff is weather, all of it. I know this and I have chosen to ignore it. Weather changes. I know this. Cat, focus on the sun, go back to being sunshine girl. Find the sunny breaks in all that cloud. Choose. Choose to focus on the sunshine, and when I do, I will not only see and feel it, I will create it. I know this, have experienced it, again, again.
I create the sun in my life. Here I go. A list of the sunshine in my life the last few weeks.
Play date fun with the Crow Girls. Meals and talk and laughter with friends and family. Easy safe travelling by car, ferry, plane, taxi. New comfortable shoes that make my feet smile. Gifts of abundance, money, books. Peaceful times to read and write. Hugs. Storytelling. Tasty food. Mornings sleeping in, warm and lazy. Long walks under blue skies. Cherry and plum trees in full bloom. Daffodil. Hyacinth. Rosemary. Purrs and delighted furry head butts from my cat. Companionship. Friendship. Joy. Love.
I write this, my sunshine list, and realize I have much more I could add. I don’t need to. This is already enough to unwind the barbed wire, let it drop away, and free my heart.
I look at my velvet heart, hold it in my hands, turn it round. Yes. All good. All those barbs were pointing outwards, not inward. I am whole. And the sun has just broken through the rainclouds massed outside my studio window. And the song on the music station right now is ‘Smile’.