There is something right with me Part 2


Laid To Rest 80,000 Obstructing Spirits (North)
Laid To Rest 80,000 Obstructing Spirits (North)

 

There is a scene in the movie ‘Shrek’ that I remember.  Shrek talks with Donkey about ogres having layers like onions.  I’d say that Shrek got it right about the layers, and it applies to people as well as ogres.

I repeatedly learn that my discoveries about myself, my beliefs, and so on, have layers.  I have discovered a new layer, so now I have a Part 2 to my post of two weeks ago ‘There is something right with me’.

Every morning I choose that I am perfectly healthy, and I choose that I love myself unconditionally.  I use Dee Wallace’s Red Dot Exercise, and I pour all my love into my physical body.  I feel love flash and spark its way through me, become a mix of both love and pure brilliant joy.  I use this as my meditation, focus on feeling without words, without thought.  Just resting here, myself loving myself.  And then I get up, put my meditation cushion away, and go about my day.  I do this because, even though my body has healed from fibromyalgia, my mind is still healing.

It is while I am doing my going-about-my-day stuff that I discover a new layer to my old belief that there is always something wrong with my body.

I am loving my body, but I am not trusting my body.

Huh?

I know that, for me, love automatically includes trust.  So what is this division I have created?  I can love my body, but I cannot trust it.  What is it that I am not trusting about my body?

I trust that my body is healthy now.  But.  I don’t trust my body to stay healthy.  I don’t trust that my body will not get sick again.  I don’t mean sick like getting a cold.  I mean a long sick, like getting fibromyalgia again, or getting cancer.

I know where this is coming from.  Whenever I watch TV, I see ads for all kinds of prescription drugs.  I always feel like they are whispering fear to me—you might get sick again.  I am so new to not taking prescriptions at all (yay me!), that I am still adjusting to knowing I am well, my body is well, I AM HEALTHY.  I feel good, but I have to get used to this new pattern of thinking and knowing and believing.  It has to become just as much a part of me as the I-am-sick pattern was.

I am working on it, becoming my new pattern of I-am-healthy.  I am playing with it, creating it.  I have moved the feeling of love into my body.  Now I need to move the feeling of trust in as well.

What do I trust about my body right now?

I remember.

I love to walk.  I know, without thinking, that my feet and legs hold strength and carry me wherever I need and want to walk or run or skip or climb.  This knowing is trust.

This is a beginning.  I will start here.  Feel love in my body for my strong legs.  Feel the steady knowing touch of my feet on the earth as I walk.  Feel the rhythm and roll of my legs and hips, one step becoming the next, the next, the next without division or stutter, moving me across space and through time.  Movement, balance.  Breath in my body and the sound of my heart.  I sing the body electric.  Surely this is what the writer and poet Walt Whitman knew when he wrote those words.  This is what trust in my body feels like.

This is the feeling I am looking for.

Love and trust in my walking body, in breath and beat, pleasure in movement, fills all of me without effort.  This feeling memory—I choose this.  Well, whole, perfectly healthy.  I choose this.  I know this.  I trust this.

My beautiful body, walk with me.

*************************

See the December 24th post for ‘The Red Dot Exercise’.

 

5 thoughts on “There is something right with me Part 2

  1. Wonderful, Cat! I was actually thinking about the trust bit the other day after a good ski. I was almost shocked to realize while whizzing down a hill at how much trust I really do have in those feet, legs, hips, upper body. This was all new to me as I had become accustomed to falling and flailing down the hill rather than whizzing, but finding that trust led me up a bigger hill, and back down with, again, no falls! Rather than fear, I can actually focus on my body reciprocating that trust. Truly wonderful!

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    1. Hi Leah! I realized as I read your comment, that the main reason I learned to trust my body when I ski is that my body knows how to shift those skis to stop as well as zoom!

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  2. Perfect, Cat! Just what I needed to hear! I’ve discovered I have the same habit around trusting my body, and I have drawn three demons now, thanks to you and Lynda Barry, which has helped a lot:)
    I checked out her book “One hundred demons” and followed her suggestion. It has been fun and sooooofreeing my creativity.

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    1. Hi Kate! ‘One Hundred Demons’ is great! I found and have two more of Lynda’s books. Just got them. ‘Picture This’ and ‘Syllabus: notes from an accidental professor’. They are sitting on my writing table, saying open me…

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      1. I know how that feels! As soon as I checked the book out, it started calling to me. Now it lives on my kitchen desk, and although I have read it all, I open it up and read again frequently. I have a hold on “What it is”, the only other book the library system has, and I am awaiting its arrival with great anticipation. In the meantime, I draw more demons. It is incredibly fun and releasing, getting a different perspective on them. They kind of dissolve, or shrink.

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