I have discovered something that I have been doing all of my life. I didn’t have a name for it before. Now I do.
I argue with life.
Four words. That’s all it takes to sum up my frequent attitude to life. I would like to say my former attitude to life, but that would not be true. I am learning a lot of things about trust and love and choice. That is true. But I still argue, resist, fight, turn my back, ignore, refuse, shut my eyes, say NO on a regular basis.
I don’t like this about myself. Being in ‘no’ is not fun. It closes all kinds of doors for me, and for others. It builds walls and fences that are not necessary. It closes my heart to life.
‘No’ is a safety mechanism for me. If I say no right away to something that is new, that I don’t understand, that might not feel comfortable or that I might not like, I give myself time to look at what was offered without having to accept or be touched by any of it.
I have this idea I can change ‘no’ to ‘yes’ later, whenever I want to. For some things I can. For other things, what life offers me needs a ‘yes’ right now.
I need to work on trusting my story. I need to create a story for me that tells me I am safe, I am loved, I am supported and partnered and blessed by life, by the Universe, by God, by the One Energy, by the Great Creator, now and always. I need a story that allows me to say ‘yes’ and open my heart to my life, rather than argue.
Start where I am. In my studio, writing, jazz music in the background (Art Pepper Meets the Rhythm Section, ‘Star Eyes’, in case you are wondering). The winter sun is coming through the windows. My feet are cold; should have put my slippers on. My studio is at the end of the house farthest from the wood stove so the floor gets cold in December. There, the slippers are on.
Right here, right now, so many things that I love and that support me in my life.
Writing (talking to you).
Heat from the wood stove (mmmmm).
Warm slippers for cold feet.
This. This is my story. Stop, look around me, see and feel what I love, right here, right now. Yes, I am safe, loved, support, partnered, blessed.
Next time I have the urge to argue with my life, I will choose this instead. I will choose to pause, open my eyes and see what is here loving and supporting me. I will choose to trust my story.
I might even say yes.