Make it better


 

Old Coyote Trick (sticks and stones)
Old Coyote Trick (sticks and stones)

 

I say these words every morning.

I choose I release yesterday.  I let go.  I let be.  I give up.  I give away.  I forgive.  I release all.

Forgive.  Release.

I hate being wrong.  I have been this way a long time, and I can tell that there are layers to this hate-being-wrong thing.  The layer I am seeing right now is about forgiveness and letting go.  This is about pride that damages me and holds me stuck in place, sad, angry, in emotional pain that I can’t see clear to letting go, even when I know I have to.

It is like the words I wrote in my sketch book:

I see your fence, don’t like it,

build my own, make us small.

Judgements, expectations,

mine, yours.

Not how we are meant to be.

Take down my fence (burn it).

Breathe us big,

pat your fence (like a friendly dog)

and walk around.

I know this is not how I am meant to be, stuck in my pride.  I know I need to burn that fence and reach towards the person who I have hurt or who has hurt me.

Release.  Forgive.

I believe we are each other’s angels.  That I have the power to make it better for someone every day.  I have to choose to do this, and sometimes I don’t.  I don’t say what could be said or don’t do what could be done.  All it may be is a door held open or a smile offered.  The moment where I could offer something that makes it better for someone else is lost so quickly.  I may not get another chance that day.

If I am lucky or blessed, another opportunity does arise, and I choose this time to speak or act.  The thing is, when I choose to be someone else’s angel, the words and action also make it better for me.  I know this, but still, I don’t make the choice.

Forgive.  Release.

Not making a choice is still choosing.  I have chosen not to act or speak.  I have chosen not to let the light in just that little bit.  Apparently, I would rather stay in the dark, hurting.

What is stopping me from choosing?

I have said that the stop sign is pride—I hate being wrong.  The truth is, I am afraid of being wrong.

Forgive.  Release.

I am afraid of being wrong.  Truer than that, I am afraid of admitting to someone that I am wrong.  Afraid to open up and be vulnerable to their reaction.  Not knowing how they will react scares me.  This is potential confrontation and anger coming at me for something I am responsible for.  They may be right to be angry with me.  I know this.

Release.  Forgive.  Give up.  Give away.

If I choose to open myself, say I am wrong, say I am sorry, please forgive me, I am opening a space for this person to know me.  I was thinking that I am being their angel, making it better by my action and words.  Perhaps I have this the wrong way around.  Perhaps they are being my angel.

What if this is an opportunity to love myself enough that I can give some of that love to the other person?  If I love myself enough to first forgive myself, then I lose the fear of opening to the other person.  I no longer fear their reaction because I have made peace with myself first.

I have let myself be vulnerable to myself, saying yes I did this.  Yes, I hurt that person and now I am hurting myself.  So I let this go, I give it up and give it away.  I connect with myself and I clear the way to offering a connection with the one I have wronged.

I have never been a perfect parent, friend, or person.  I get angry, mean, frustrated, dismissive, and then I act at someone from my pain.  I need to act from love, but it does not always work.  I know others around me experience the same things, and then also act from their pain.  We do it to each other.

I choose.  Forgive.  Release.  Let go.  Let be.  Now.

This is what I do.

I make a list of names.  Everyone I have ever wronged and everyone who I feel has ever wronged me.  No exclusions.  Nothing is too big or too petty.  My name is on this list too.

Let the page take it all.  It can handle it.  I am making a list of forgiveness.  One list, no matter who wronged who.  Which direction the hurt travelled makes no difference.  I forgive me for wronging them, and I forgive them for wronging me.  I ask them for forgiveness.  I ask me for forgiveness.  Fear, pride, anger, sadness, pain.  Let it all go.  Let go.  Let be.

I forgive all of us unconditionally.  I choose I release yesterday.  I choose I let go, I let be, I give up, I give away.  I choose I forgive all and I release all unconditionally.

I choose this.  Then I burn the page with the list of all those names.  We are forgiven.

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